"Instead of asking her why she didn't leave her abuser sooner, tell her you are proud of her for leaving when she could." ~ Christy Ann Martine
TW: Discussion of Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence
I will preface this by saying that all people, regardless of gender, experience Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). And although women and gender-diverse folx are disproportionately affected by IPV, one (1) in five (5) cases reported to police in Canada in 2018 included a male victim (as cited in Government of Canada, 2020). Regardless of gender, it's easy for us to wonder - why don't they just leave?
Leaving an abusive relationship is often not as simple as just walking away. Despite the harm, fear, and emotional turmoil that an abusive partner may cause, many individuals find themselves stuck in the relationship. The reasons are often rooted in psychological, emotional, social, and even economic factors.
The decision to leave is seldom clear-cut or easy, and the process can be overwhelming, dangerous, and fraught with barriers that prevent victims from escaping. I spent the first six years of my career working in the field of domestic violence; I also found myself in, not one, but two, abusive marriages. In this post, I will touch on some of the most common reasons why leaving an abusive relationship can be so incredibly difficult.
One of the strongest factors that makes the decision to leave so difficult is the psychological manipulation many abusers use to maintain control over their victims. One common tactic is gaslighting - a form of emotional abuse that causes the victim to doubt their own perceptions and reality. In gaslighting, the abuser may deny their abusive behavior, accuse the victim of being overly sensitive, or twist facts to make the victim believe that they are the cause of the abuse.
According to Dr. Alexandra Solomon (2020), a licensed psychologist and relationship expert, gaslighting can cause victims to lose confidence in their own judgment, making it harder for them to trust their instincts or make decisions about leaving. This emotional confusion keeps the victim in a constant state of self-doubt and makes the prospect of leaving feel uncertain and risky.
One of the most significant barriers to leaving an abusive relationship is fear of retaliation. Many victims of abuse are terrified of what might happen if they attempt to leave. Abusers often make explicit threats of violence to the victim, family members or pets, or they may have already escalated their behavior in ways that signal they are capable of serious harm.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (2023) notes that the risk of violence can increase when a victim tries to break free, especially if the abuser feels that their control is slipping away. This fear of escalation can create a paralyzing effect, where victims stay because they believe the danger of leaving outweighs the danger of staying. For some, the prospect of being physically harmed or even killed is a real concern, which can make leaving seem like a poor option.
Even though an abusive relationship is filled with pain and suffering, victims often develop an emotional bond with their abuser through a process known as trauma bonding. Trauma bonding occurs when the intermittent reinforcement of affection and abuse causes the victim to cling to the hope of "good times" amidst the cruelty. This emotional attachment makes leaving feel emotionally and mentally difficult, as the victim might feel that they are unable to survive without their abuser; oftentimes, the abuser has even said as much.
In 1979, psychologist Dr. Lenore Walker coined the term "battered woman syndrome"- describing a pattern of signs and symptoms displayed by women who have experienced ongoing intimate partner violence. Today, we use the term "battered person syndrome." Dr. Walker (1979) explained that victims of abuse may become so psychologically dependent on their abuser that they are unable to envision a life outside of the relationship. This bond is often stronger than the victim's desire for safety, making it incredibly hard to sever the emotional ties, even when the relationship is toxic and harmful.
Economic dependence is another significant factor that keeps victims trapped in abusive relationships. If the abusive partner controls finances or prevents the victim from working, it can be extremely difficult for the victim to imagine how they would survive outside the relationship. Without financial independence, leaving may seem impossible because the victim may not have the resources to support themselves or their children and pets, find housing, or secure legal assistance.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (2023), 99% of survivors report experiencing financial abuse in some form, whether through controlling their access to money, running up debt in their name, or preventing them from pursuing education or career opportunities. This financial dependency creates a powerful trap, where leaving would require overcoming significant economic challenges.
Abusive partners often isolate their victims from friends, family, and support networks. This isolation can make leaving seem even more daunting because the victim may feel that they have no one to turn to for help or comfort. Isolation also breeds feelings of shame and guilt, as the victim may internalize the abuse, believing they are somehow responsible for it or that they "deserve" the treatment they are receiving.
Moreover, society often blames the victim rather than the abuser, creating further barriers to leaving. According to The Journal of Social Issues (2017), victims of intimate partner violence may fear that they won’t be believed or supported by others, making them hesitant to disclose the abuse. This societal stigma can perpetuate feelings of shame, reinforcing the cycle of abuse and making it harder for the victim to escape.
For individuals with children and/or pets, leaving an abusive relationship can feel even more complicated. Many victims worry about the safety and well-being of their children and pets if they leave. They may fear that their abuser will retaliate against their children and pets, either physically or emotionally. Furthermore, some victims are concerned about the impact of a breakup on their children, even if staying in the relationship is not healthy for anyone involved.
The American Psychological Association (2021) reports that children in abusive households are more likely to suffer from emotional, psychological, and physical issues as a result of witnessing violence. Victims may feel conflicted, torn between staying to try to "protect" their children in the environment they know and leaving to ensure a better future outside the abuse.
Despite the abuse, many victims hold on to the hope that their abuser will change. This hope is often rooted in moments of kindness, affection, or remorse displayed by the abuser after an outburst. These "honeymoon" periods can create a sense of confusion, making the victim believe that the relationship could be salvaged if only the abuser would change or if they, themselves, were somehow more understanding.
The American Psychological Association (2019) explains that abusive relationships often involve cycles of tension-building, acute abuse, and reconciliation. This "cycle of abuse" can make it difficult for victims to recognize the pattern, as they are often emotionally invested in the belief that their abuser truly loves them and that things will get better.
Leaving an abusive relationship is an incredibly difficult decision, and the barriers to leaving are not always immediately apparent. Whether it’s due to emotional manipulation, fear of retaliation, financial dependence, or hope for change, there are many powerful forces that keep victims stuck in unhealthy relationships. However, it’s important to remember that abuse is never justified, and help is available.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there are resources and support systems that can assist with navigating the complexities of leaving safely. Reaching out for help can be the first step toward breaking free from the cycle of abuse and finding a path toward healing.
For help, please see the Family Violence section under the Resources tab.
References
American Psychological Association. (2021). Children and domestic violence: Understanding the impact. https://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/understanding-child-abuse
Government of Canada. (2020). Male survivors of intimate partner violence in Canada. https://www.canada.ca/en/office-federal-ombudsperson-victims-crime/publications/research-recherche/ipv-ipv.html
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2023). Statistics and resources. www.thehotline.org
Solomon, A. (2020). The emotionally abusive relationship: Breaking the cycle of gaslighting and emotional manipulation. New York: HarperCollins.
Walker, L. (1979). The battered woman. New York: Harper & Row.
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