Things I’ve Learned as a Grief Counsellor

Reflections on love, loss, and holding space for healing.

Grief is one of life’s most universal experiences, and one of the most misunderstood. As a grief counsellor, I have sat with countless people as they faced some of the deepest heartaches imaginable. What I have learned along the way has not only changed how I view grief, but how I understand humanity.

Here are some of the most meaningful lessons I’ve learned through this work - lessons I carry not just as a professional, but as a person.

1. There’s No “Right Way” to Grieve

Grief isn’t linear, and it certainly isn’t tidy. People don’t move through it in neat, progressive stages. Some days they feel strong. Other days they can’t get out of bed. Sometimes laughter and tears live in the same breath. And all of it is valid.

We live in a society that wants healing to be fast and clean, but grief demands a slower pace. It teaches us to sit with discomfort, to surrender control, and to honor our own rhythms.

2. Grief Is Not Always About Death

It can come from many kinds of loss: the loss of a home, a relationship, a dream, an identity. One of the most powerful forms of grief I have witnessed is ambiguous loss - the kind that has no clear ending or closure, like dementia, estrangement, or long-term illness.

These kinds of grief often go unrecognized, which makes them even harder to carry. Validating these invisible losses can be a healing act in itself.

3. People Need Permission to Feel

So many clients show up feeling ashamed of their emotions. They say things like, “I shouldn’t still be crying,” or “I feel guilty for laughing.” Somewhere along the way, they picked up the message that grief should be hidden or rushed.

One of the most powerful gifts we can offer others - and ourselves - is permission: to cry, to rage, to feel numb, to laugh, to rest. Grief is not a problem to solve; it is an experience to be felt.

4. Language Can Heal or Harm

Well-intended clichés can sting. “They’re in a better place.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “At least you had time to say goodbye.” These words can unintentionally minimize a person’s pain.

What helps more? Simple presence. Honest empathy. Words like, “That sounds incredibly hard,” or “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.” Sometimes the most healing thing you can say is, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here with you.”

5. Grief Is Physical

Grief doesn’t just live in the mind or heart - it lives in the body. It can show up as fatigue, tightness in the chest, loss of appetite, headaches, or restlessness. Many people are surprised by this, but it is completely normal.

Learning to care for the body - through rest, movement, nourishment, even breath - can support the emotional process too. The body remembers, and it also knows how to heal.

6. Tears Are Not a Sign of Weakness

Crying is often the body’s most honest form of communication. It says what words cannot. And yet, so many people apologize for their tears.

Over time, I have come to see tears as sacred. They are evidence of love, loss, truth. When someone cries in a session, I don’t rush to stop them. I hold the space and let them cry. Because sometimes, that is where the healing begins.

7. Some Griefs Last a Lifetime - and That Is Okay

There are losses we never fully “get over.” And that is not a failure; it is a reflection of how deeply we loved. Over time, grief becomes part of a person’s story. It doesn’t dominate every moment, but it never fully disappears.

One client once said, “I’m learning to live around the hole.” That stuck with me. The grief doesn’t go away - but life can still grow around it.

8. Healing Isn’t About Forgetting

A lot of people fear that moving forward means leaving their loved one behind. That if they stop feeling pain, they’ll lose the connection. But grief work often involves integrating that love into the present - not letting go, but carrying it differently.

Whether it is through rituals, stories, art, or small daily remembrances, healing often means remembering with love instead of pain.

9. Community Is a Lifeline

Grief can feel profoundly isolating, especially when others don’t understand. But finding even one person who truly gets it - whether a friend, support group, therapist, or fellow mourner - can make all the difference.

As humans, we are wired for connection. And while no one can take your grief away, being witnessed in it is deeply healing.

10. You Don’t Need to Be a Therapist to Be a Support

People often ask me, “What do I say to someone who’s grieving?” My answer is: you do not need to have the right words. You just need to show up.

Bring them food. Sit with them in silence. Check in months later, not just in the first week. Let them talk about their person. Let them be messy. Your presence matters more than your advice.

11. Love Is Always the Root

At the core of every loss is love. That is what we are grieving - the love we had, the love we gave, the love we hoped to keep forever.

And that is what makes grief so human. It is not a flaw. It is not something to “fix.” It is a reflection of our capacity to love deeply, and that is something to honor - not hide.

Being a grief counsellor has taught me that the human spirit is incredibly resilient, even when it feels like it is breaking. I have learned to sit with pain without needing to fix it, to witness sorrow without trying to rush it away. And I have learned that even in the depths of loss, people find moments of meaning, connection, and sometimes even beauty.

If you are grieving right now, or supporting someone who is: know this - there is no wrong way to do it. There is only your way. And whatever that looks like, it’s enough.

Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Let love guide you, even when it hurts.

The lessons of grief.

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