"Be careful. Someone who is confused about what they want can cause you to become confused about what you're worth."
There is so much to unpack in this quote.
When you feel sure about your feelings for someone, but they are not sure about their feelings for you, it can cause you to wonder, "What's wrong with ME that I am not worthy of being sure of?" As well, when someone isn't sure about what they want, it can lead to behaviours that send you mixed messages. Receiving mixed messages from someone we care about leads to stress, sadness, and a lack of trust. The uncertainty created in these situations makes us feel as though we do not have control over our life or environment – and this is a very uncomfortable feeling for most people. Being treated this way can be confusing and painful, triggering feelings of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough (Meredith, 2022).
It's important to understand that, although we tend to turn these feelings inward, other people's behaviour is about THEM - not us. As Angela Meredith (2022) said, “A mixed message is THE message.” A mixed message speaks volumes about the person giving it, not about your flaws or shortcomings. Although it may not be malicious or intentional, the person delivering the mixed message is emotionally unavailable. Whether they lack the skills or are afraid of what their emotions might reveal, they are unable to feel, understand, or express themselves clearly (Meredith, 2022).
Meredith (2022) points out that, to the fixers and people pleasers, mixed messages can look like an invitation to be helpful, compassionate, and understanding. A quick google search will show you all types of articles related to this subject, such as Lachlan Brown’s What a guy really means when he says ‘he doesn’t know what he wants’ (2023). Brown (2023) lists seven possibilities, including: fear of his feelings; he’s not that into you; he is not good at expressing his emotions; he is truly unsure about what he wants; he is trying to choose between you and his goals; fear of commitment; and he’s been hurt in the past. Brown (2023) goes on to list all the possible ways that you can encourage your man and help him decide what he wants.
Just stop.
Regardless of gender and love interest, a mixed message makes clear that the person does not know how they feel or what they want. That is about THEM, not you; that is THEIR problem to fix, not yours. This type of work is an inside job, and we cannot do it for another person regardless of how much we love them or how great the relationship seems to be. Meredith (2022) states, “Any relationship where you are left doubting how the other person feels, how important you are to them, or whether the relationship is a priority, is not a good relationship regardless of how many wonderful things you share.”
Meredith (2022) goes on to suggest that if the relationship is causing you doubt and anxiety, talk to your partner. If they ease your worries, reassure and validate you, and they are willing to create action steps to improve how you both experience the relationship – great! But if they respond with anything less, then trust yourself. Your feelings are messages too, and ignoring them only diminishes your own sense of worth.
References
Brown, L. (2023, December 31). What a guy really means when he says “he doesn’t know what he wants”. HackSpirit. Retrieved from www.hackspirit.com.
Meredith, A. (2022, November 8). A mixed message is the message. Medium. Retrieved
from www.medium.com.